Solicited Advice
F*ck It. I Got This
2 single mothers discuss EVERYTHING as it relates to the day-to-day challenges and joys of parenting solo.
Podcasting since 2023
Episodes here.
Dear Reader and Contributor,
When diving into this column, the first question I hope you ask yourself is: “Why should I listen to you?”
That may be a counterintuitive question to pose as the writer of an advice column, but I believe, first and foremost, it’s important to listen to what our own individual intuition tells us. What is right for me may not be right for you, and any advice given here is based on my individual perspective.
The only unsolicited advice you will see me offering in the space is as follows; don’t do anything simply because someone told you to do it.
This is a space to ask questions and benefit from an alternative perspective. I am not your guru or your mommy, and I can only speak from my experiences. That being said, my goal is to provide some insight and hopefully, a little levity. No question is off-limits; I am here for all your solicited advice.
Send your questions to: Askingojai@gmail.com
May 12, 2025Hey Katie,
My friend is deep into a self-betterment phase — daily affirmations, no sugar, 7 PM bedtime, all of it. I’m happy she’s taking care of herself, truly. But…she used to be fun. We’d stay up late making each other laugh until we cried. Now she wants to “hold space” for our conversations. I miss the version of her who had bite. Is it selfish to say something? Or do I just let her glow quietly into the next phase?
— Namaste Myself
If you’re asking…
It can be difficult when someone close to us starts to grow in a direction that you aren’t familiar with, or maybe, not even interested in. Human beings have a deep need for community, and we are hard-wired to find safety in those groups. Our ancestors needed those relationships to survive, but our nervous systems sometimes can’t discern the difference between your best friend deciding she’s swapping wine for coffee enemas and you suddenly finding yourself outside the group and without the protection it provides.
So that’s the “pat you on the back and tell you everything is going to be ok” portion of this. Here’s some direct truth: people change, and relationships evolve. Not everyone is going to go the distance of your life with you. Sometimes, we fall out of resonance with people who formerly saw the world through the same lens. Allowing that to happen, whether it’s for a time or the new normal, is part of life.
In these moments, it can also be tempting to take the actions of a friend personally. You may experience your friend’s change in lifestyle as abrupt or extreme, but I believe it’s very rare for us to truly know the depth of a person’s intimate personal life. There could be any number of reasons that your friend has for wanting to overhaul her life, and at the end of the day, none of them are likely to have a single thing to do with you.
I think it’s acceptable and very normal to have some nostalgia or even grief when a cherished relationship changes. What you decide to do with that is ultimately up to you. If the changes in lifestyle are such that you no longer wish to invest anymore energy into the friendship, that is your choice to make and is completely acceptable. However, I would encourage you to be open to change. Maybe, she is no longer the friend who can toss back a bottle of wine under the trees in your backyard with you. Maybe, she’s the friend who can ACTUALLY hold space for you when you need someone to listen. A friend who is intentional about their time with you is a treasure, and harder to come by the older we get.
My final thought, or perhaps an affirmation, is that nothing is permanent. Everything will continue to evolve, which can feel scary, or you can choose to see it as exciting. Your friend is enjoying reinventing herself in this game of life we are all playing. Perhaps instead of longing for the person she used to be, you might get excited about the person she is becoming and all the infinite possibilities of who you could evolve to be as well.
April 9, 2025Hey Katie,
My friend is dating a man who sets off every alarm in my body. He’s nice enough, but there’s something performative about him. He once referred to himself, unironically, as a “wounded healer.” I mean, that’s a cock shaman right there. Am I being too judgmental, or do I trust my gut on this one and tell her what I think?
— Third Eye Rolling
If you’re asking…
This is a tough spot to be in. With age and experience comes the ability to identify a “Manic Pixie Fuck Boi,” as Joy Sullivan has so precisely coined them from a mile away. Once you have been on the receiving end of their artful spin on “it’s not you, it’s me: Ketamine edition” or spotted the tell-tale line of dots burned into a chiseled bicep (the result of Kambo for those who haven’t had the pleasure), you know how it ends. Tears, confusion, and a vague sense that you’ve been on an acid journey you didn’t sign up for.
The wonderful thing about experience is that we can learn from it, but if your friend is like me, she can only learn these lessons through her own encounters. Nothing anyone could have said would have deterred me from walking the degenerate path that was my marriage.
When I got married, my ex-husband chose the night of our wedding to reveal some big (it turns out), previously unknown parts of his personality. My best friend was on the receiving end of a lot of his anger that night, and as a result, I experienced some deep shame. Despite his behavior, she never wavered in her support of me. If I had asked her opinion of my husband, I believe she would’ve answered me honestly, but I didn’t for years because I wasn’t ready to hear the truth I couldn’t yet acknowledge. After my divorce, she told me that she had expressed her frustration with my choice of partner (and his treatment of me) to her mother. The counsel she received was that if she wanted to be able to support me, she should bide her time. She didn’t need to endorse or encourage the relationship, but as her mother sagely explained, when the relationship met its inevitable end, I would need a friend, and if I thought she had judged me I would be less apt to come to her.
My friend’s mother was right. Part of being in a relationship where someone is manipulating you is that even as you’re participating, there is a deeper knowing that something is wrong, and often, your partner reinforces that the problem is you. When I was finally ready to lift the veil on my own relationship, if I had sensed her disapproval, I would have been too embarrassed to seek the support I desperately needed.
Your friend must be the one to navigate this situation herself. It is highly unlikely that your sharing your feelings is going to change her behavior, and even if it did, a decision to leave any situation, good or bad, only “sticks” if the choice is made by the individual on their own.
People tend to ask for the truth when they are ready to hear it, so if you find yourself on the receiving end of a request for your opinion, solicited advice if you will, I encourage you to be honest, gentle but honest. Until then, shower your friend with love and encouragement. Build her up and make sure she knows how much she means to you. THAT will make all the difference.
